Your Thievin' Ways
Last week, according to a press release, the U.S. Attorney for Connecticut, Nora R. Dannehy, sentenced two people to imprisonment for crimes that might best be classified as Stupid Human Tricks.

Wilfred J. Bouton, 30, a former U.S. Navy gunner's mate, first class, was sentenced Oct. 19 in Hartford, after pleading guilty to one count of conspiracy to traffic in stolen government property. His enlistment bonus must have run out or he thought no one would notice dozens of missing armory accessories. From 2007 to 2009, Bouton admitted to stealing gun lights and other gun-related items, including rifle scopes and range finders, then selling them to someone in Florida for $90,000. Bouton could face up to five years in jail and a fine of up to $250,000.

On Oct. 23, Eugene Cappello, 57, of Carmel, N.Y., formerly of Litchfield, was sentenced to two years in jail, two years of supervised release and paid $403,000, after pleading guilty to one count each of income tax evasion and structuring currency transactions. In May 2004, Cappello filed documents to the IRS Collection Division, claiming he could not pay the more than $237,000 in taxes and interest owed for his 1997-2003 tax returns. On July 31, 2006, the IRS closed its case as "currently not collectible." The only problem was Cappello wasn't destitute, in fact he did have the money — and much more. Subsequent investigation revealed he hid cash from the IRS, purchased a $34,781 country club membership, a $91,000 yacht, and paid $350,000 in cash to build a new house in Goshen.

Musta Been High-Test
True, a venti double shot is unmatched for giving you that get-up-and-go, but for one young lady last week, her coffee may have gotten her in trouble with the law. Cassaundra Signore, 19, of Bristol, was arrested Oct. 21 after a road rage incident. Farmington Police report that while driving down a one-lane area of Route 6 in town, Signore tried to pass the car ahead of her on the right. She then pulled up close behind the car and flashed her high-beams repeatedly. When the road opened up to two lanes, police say, Signore passed the car on the right, flipped the driver the bird, and chucked her cup of coffee out the window. Police tracked the suspect down through her license plate and charged her with second-degree breach of peace, driving a vehicle with intent to harass or intimidate, and throwing an object at a motor vehicle.

All in the Family
Looks like Susan Woodward, 45, of Bristol neglected one of the golden rules of parenting while raising her twin boys, Craig and Damon Smith, both 24: Be a model of good behavior. The New Britain Herald reports that Farmington police pulled over a vehicle driven by Craig Smith for a traffic violation on Oct. 20. When asked to step out, Smith became combative, lunging at officers. His brother and mother both entered the fight, reports say, and at one point five police officers struggled with the family as Woodward bit and pinched an officer. Police got the situation under control after Tasering Damon Smith, and charged all three with second-degree breach of peace and interfering with police; Woodward was also charged with assaulting an officer.

Like Mother, Like Son
In other successful parenting news, the Torrington Register Citizen reports a New Milford home-health aid was arraigned Oct. 19 and faces drug charges for allegedly growing marijuana at home with her 26-year-old son. Kathryn M. Noltin, 49, was arrested on Oct. 9 for crimes that read more like the second season of "Weeds." She was charged with conspiracy to commit: sale of illegal drugs, operation of a drug factory, possession of hallucinogenics and use of drug paraphernalia. She told police the plants were her son's; when questioned, he pointed the finger at mom. Police seized 26 marijuana plants growing in both their bedrooms, along with grow lights, digital thermostats and a power supply, an air purifier, fertilizer, growing materials, bongs and pipes, marijuana seeds and a Marlin .22 caliber rifle, according to the warrant.

'Tis the Season for Pranks
Hartford Public High School students called police the morning of Oct. 22, saying they were shot at with a paint ball gun while walking to school. One student was hit in the eye and treated for a non-life-threatening injury. Police report that School Resource Officer Israel Mantilla and Patrol Officer Brian Bowza investigated, and apprehended a 15-year-old who admitted firing at pedestrians and motorists. He was charged with first-degree reckless endangerment, second-degree assault, and risk of injury to a minor. As a result, Hartford Police Chief Daryl K. Roberts asked businesses to "be cautious of purchases that may have the potential to cause personal injury or property damage, such as paint ball guns or large quantities of eggs."

Where Not to Drink
Sure, mezcal comes with an agave worm at the bottom of the bottle, but that's the only liquor we know of that should contain creepy crawlies — and the state of Connecticut Liquor Control Division seems to agree. Last week, detectives from the Hartford Police Vice and Narcotics Division made routine inspection of four grocery stores and three bars, with help from the Governor's Coalition to Prevent Underage Drinking and the Department of Consumer Protection. However, three bars and a grocery received failing grades.

Alpine Cafe, 99 Franklin Ave., was cited for bugs in the bottle and failing to display a liquor permit in full view. The Cleveland Cafe, 3019 Main St., was cited for one count of a minor loitering and an expired permit, along with — you guessed it — bugs in the bottles. The Gold Club on West Service Road was cited for violations by the dancers, an underage dancer, and failing to clear the beer lines. Brito, 2 Baldwin St., was cited for purchasing items for resale and consuming alcohol on the premises.

All of the information contained in the Advocate's police blotter comes from police reports or officials, or has been shamelessly swiped from other published accounts. Individuals charged have not been independently investigated by the Advocate. All those arrested are presumed innocent until found guilty in a court of law.